Thursday, October 6, 2016

I'm not a bad mom!

Since before Sweet Pea was born, I've felt like a failure of a mother. Over the past 3.5 years, those feelings have only gotten stronger. 

And then it hit's social media planting doubts in my head. 

Facebook used to be once flooded with pictures of families having fun, friends going out and celebrating, new budding relationships. Now though? Now, every other post I read is about how to be a better mom or a better wife. They talk about how to "properly" raise children. That's a lot of pressure. 

I've decided, I don't need "news" articles telling me whether or not I'm a good mom, and I definitely don't need them telling me how to be a good mom. I'm a good mom, because I love Sweet Pea. I make sure she's fed and taken care of.

She goes to bed each night, knowing that her mommy and daddy love her. She's smothered in kisses and wrapped in hugs. 

Is there yelling? Hell ya! Mama has some anger issues that she needs to work on (ME), but that doesn't mean I'm not a good mom. 

I am a good mom, and so are you! Don't let the media let you think differently.

I'm actually in the process of unsubscribing and unfollowing a bunch of pages. They are just so, in your face. 

I unsubscribed for 20 emails. All of them were trying to get me to buy something, in one way or another. Either with great deals, new styles, coupons or something. Some of them were really hard to figure out how to get off their list. Saphora for example. It took me 20 minutes to unsubscribe. It's all just too much sometimes.

I'm working on stepping back from all social media. I want to focus more on Sweet Pea and Mister. I'm not going to just stop Facebook, or IG. I need some form of adult interaction. But I will be taking a step back.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

I can't remember a time without him

11 years ago, I met the most supportive, funny and caring man. Mister has been there for me, through so many hard times. He is always there to cheer me on, when I feel like giving up. He has held my hand through some of the most difficult times in my life....our lives. 

We have had a lot of ups and downs. We almost didn't make it through a few bumps. We did make it though. 

Relationships are hard. I've wanted to throw in the towel a few times, but I'm so glad I didn't. Mister is my best friend. I look forward to spending time with him, every night. He still gives me butterflies. I miss him so much, whenever we're apart. 

With all of that being said....sometimes, I want to punch him in the face. He is the most stubborn man I've ever met in my life. Then...then I hear him make Sweet Pea giggle, or I hear him talk to his brother, and listen to his genuine laugh, and it all goes away. All of the anger...gone. 

He can make me smile, no matter how down I am. 

Happy anniversary, Mister. I love you more than you'll ever know. Let's continue to grow old together ;) 

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Letters to Sweet Pea 3 years!

Dear Sweet Pea,

You're three!! THREE! 

You are the most caring, gentle, funny little girl that I've ever met. Your smile is contagious, as is your adorable laugh. 

Last time you were measured, you were 37". We haven't gone to your 3 year check up yet. Almost all of your pants are too short. 

You got you first real haircut! I cried for an entire day over it. You look SO grown up, and I'm just not ready for that. Those were your baby hairs. The hair that was on your head when you were teeny tiny. I kept all of it haha

Your favorite thing to eat right now is macaroni and cheese. You love fruit and cheese, all the time. But when I ask you what you want to eat, no matter what time of day, your answer is always macaroni and cheese. 

You go to bed fairly easy. The past week or so have been a little more difficult. 

I'm trying to make a larger routine, so we've been doing bath, dinner, drink, brush teeth, go potty then read a story and go to bed. You don't ever want to brush your teeth. You have awful canker sores, just like daddy. So if the tooth brush hits it, you become very upset. 

You don't take naps anymore. They were making it way too hard to get you to sleep at night. You do fall asleep in the car though. Every time, unless I want you to haha

About a week before you turned three, we started potty learning. You picked it up right away. We both needed to be ready. I'd say you are about 99% good with staying dry. You were wearing undies at night, but you got sick and had a few accidents, so we're back in cloth. Just at night though.

You love singing. All day, every day you are singing some song. We listen to toddler raido on Pandora, and have dance parties. You also watch videos on the iPad. 

For so long, you were afraid of slides. You hit your head on one, when you were about 18 months and didn't want to go on one again. The last couple of weeks however, you have been a slide maniac. When we go to the park, you go up and down. Up and down. Over and over. No matter how long we stay, it's never long enough. We also take a ball out the the big field and kick it around for a while. It's one of your favorite things.

Your absolute favorite activity, is playing big ball with daddy. Or watching tv with daddy. Or playing "loop to loop cars"....with daddy. Pretty much, if daddy's involved, you love it. He is your favorite person. 

You are the most loving person I've ever met. You give complete strangers hugs, and tell them you love them. You spread joy, wherever you go. 

I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow. You make my world go round, and I am so lucky to be your mama. 

Be happy. Mom guilt.

Sweet Pea always says this. She'll look at you, with her big brown eyes and the sweetest smile, "be happy! Like this". It started as just, "be happy", but has morphed into a lesson on how to be happy.

I wish it were that easy. I wish I could look at loved ones and and just tell them to be happy, and have it actually work.

What an awesome super power!

I also wish it worked on me.

In my heart, I'm happy. I love my family, with all of my being. But there's this blanket of depression and cynicism covers my body. It's exhausting.

I also feel awful that Sweet Pea feels the need to say it all the time. Do I go about my life with a grumpy scowl on my face? Do I not hide my depression well enough? Am I damaging her? I always tell her that she makes me happy. Is that wrong? Am I not supposed to say that? Is she taking it to mean that she physically needs to show me how? Haha

Mom guilt, combined with makes your mind go crazy. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Just a little update

I think Sweet Pea is officially potty trained. I'm saying that very cautiously. 

She has been dry for about 2 weeks, and has been in undies *at night* for about a week. She had one accident a couple of weeks ago, at the beach. Ohhhh and she had a couple when she was sick, that I completely forgot about. 

I've been in so much pain, for like...3 months. The last week has been the worst. I was crying everyday, crying myself to sleep. It.was.awful. 

Yesterday and today have been better. I still hurt, but not as bad. If I keep moving, it hurts less. But the moment I sit down to rest, I feel like I'm dying. 

It's mainly my back/spine and is currently my left shoulder as well. My spine always hurts, but the other pain moves around. My skin hurts, and I get awful muscle cramps/spasms. Most days, it's just too much. 

With all of that, things are actually looking up. We're becoming more organized and are taking care of things that have needed some TLC for a long time. 

We're hoping to get our roof fixed soon, and then we'll be able to fix the floors. 

Mister and I are going to take Sweet Pea to the beach for the night, in a little over a month. My mom is letting us use her timeshare. I'm really looking forward to it. 

I have a doctors appointment next week, to find out what the hell is going on with my body. Because I'm done. 

Friday, June 10, 2016

Feeling good

Can I just say how happy I am? I just feel....good!

I'm looking forward to things, finally! Just little things. I look forward to spending the day with Sweet Pea, and look forward to spending the evenings with Mister. 

I'm even looking forward to cleaning the next day lol I ordered a bissell stick vacuum...I'm so freaking excited to use it lmao

There are plenty of things to feel down and stressed out about, and I'm definitely stressed, but I'm not going to let it rain on my happy parade.

Sweet Pea is doing so well with potty training. She's had a total of 3 accidents, the entire time! She's mastered pulling her own pants down and going when she needs to. As long as she isn't super into something.

On the way home from the beach yesterday, she told us she had to pee. So we pulled over, and put the potty in between the two side doors lol She went, and her pullup was dry the whole way home.

She's even been going on the big potty, when out and about. She only wears diapers at bedtime, and the pullup for the long drive. Otherwise, she's in undies...or naked lol

I'm so incredibly proud of her.

It feels like things are falling apart. But, I'm just sure they're going to be just fine. Things will work out. I know it. 

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Cherish your family. They're the only ones you've got!

Sweet Pea is turning 3! In less than a month. I sometimes see her as being so much older, because she acts like it so often.

I've been thinking more and more about gratitude and family. I have an amazing family. 

Mister drives me absolutely insane sometimes, but he is so caring and attentive. He does so much for our family, and I take it for granted everyday. He does all the cooking, all the grocery shopping, every single dish that gets by him. We've got it pretty good.

Then there's Sweet Pea. I am so incredibly lucky to have her. All I ever wanted out of life, was to have a little girl, just like her. And what do I do? I waste her young childhood sleeping, or on the stupid iPad. I definitely take her, and how lucky I am for granted. 

There are women out there, men too, that would love to have this family. To have a supportive husband, an amazing little girl...what more could I ask for?

I know I take my mom for granted too, so much. She does an incredible amount for us. I don't take her for granted, like I don't thank her and appreciate her. But I forget sometimes, that other people don't have amazing mom's like I do. Her and I have come such a long way since I was a teenager. We've grown together, and have a wonderful friendship now. I just wish there was more I could do for her, to repay her.

I've also got a large extended family. Two of them, actually. One I don't know very well yet. But the other one, I grew up with. I love spending time with them. It's the highlight of my month, when there's a family function happening. 

Our family used to get together all the time. The whole family, all the cousins and aunts/uncles. But now...we get together on the super big holidays. Rarely for anyone's birthday. Christmas and Thanksgiving are the ones I can think of, where most everyone is there.

I personally don't take that big loving and caring family for granted. I know there are people out there that long for a large family like that. We are so lucky to still have everyone in our family. 

When people say they don't want to go to a function, or that we have too many of them, it hurts my feelings. I take it personally, because that's our family. You can see your friends any time. But family is different. 

You're never going to find a new grandparent, or sister, or brother. Appreciate them. You aren't better than anyone else. 

I also have a new family. A biological family. I'm still getting to know them, and I need to reach out more. I just get so nervous, and lately I've been on this constantly cleaning kick, and potty training Sweet Pea (that's only been 3 days, that is absolutely no reason to have not talked to any of them in 2 weeks!) 

I'm lucky to have more people to love and who care about me. I enjoy talking to them all. They're all so kind and welcoming. I just suck at reaching out.

PS...I have no idea when I wrote this LOL I think it was around Easter, maybe. I forgot to post it. Oops.