Thursday, October 6, 2016

I'm not a bad mom!

Since before Sweet Pea was born, I've felt like a failure of a mother. Over the past 3.5 years, those feelings have only gotten stronger. 

And then it hit's social media planting doubts in my head. 

Facebook used to be once flooded with pictures of families having fun, friends going out and celebrating, new budding relationships. Now though? Now, every other post I read is about how to be a better mom or a better wife. They talk about how to "properly" raise children. That's a lot of pressure. 

I've decided, I don't need "news" articles telling me whether or not I'm a good mom, and I definitely don't need them telling me how to be a good mom. I'm a good mom, because I love Sweet Pea. I make sure she's fed and taken care of.

She goes to bed each night, knowing that her mommy and daddy love her. She's smothered in kisses and wrapped in hugs. 

Is there yelling? Hell ya! Mama has some anger issues that she needs to work on (ME), but that doesn't mean I'm not a good mom. 

I am a good mom, and so are you! Don't let the media let you think differently.

I'm actually in the process of unsubscribing and unfollowing a bunch of pages. They are just so, in your face. 

I unsubscribed for 20 emails. All of them were trying to get me to buy something, in one way or another. Either with great deals, new styles, coupons or something. Some of them were really hard to figure out how to get off their list. Saphora for example. It took me 20 minutes to unsubscribe. It's all just too much sometimes.

I'm working on stepping back from all social media. I want to focus more on Sweet Pea and Mister. I'm not going to just stop Facebook, or IG. I need some form of adult interaction. But I will be taking a step back.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

I can't remember a time without him

11 years ago, I met the most supportive, funny and caring man. Mister has been there for me, through so many hard times. He is always there to cheer me on, when I feel like giving up. He has held my hand through some of the most difficult times in my life....our lives. 

We have had a lot of ups and downs. We almost didn't make it through a few bumps. We did make it though. 

Relationships are hard. I've wanted to throw in the towel a few times, but I'm so glad I didn't. Mister is my best friend. I look forward to spending time with him, every night. He still gives me butterflies. I miss him so much, whenever we're apart. 

With all of that being said....sometimes, I want to punch him in the face. He is the most stubborn man I've ever met in my life. Then...then I hear him make Sweet Pea giggle, or I hear him talk to his brother, and listen to his genuine laugh, and it all goes away. All of the anger...gone. 

He can make me smile, no matter how down I am. 

Happy anniversary, Mister. I love you more than you'll ever know. Let's continue to grow old together ;) 

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Letters to Sweet Pea 3 years!

Dear Sweet Pea,

You're three!! THREE! 

You are the most caring, gentle, funny little girl that I've ever met. Your smile is contagious, as is your adorable laugh. 

Last time you were measured, you were 37". We haven't gone to your 3 year check up yet. Almost all of your pants are too short. 

You got you first real haircut! I cried for an entire day over it. You look SO grown up, and I'm just not ready for that. Those were your baby hairs. The hair that was on your head when you were teeny tiny. I kept all of it haha

Your favorite thing to eat right now is macaroni and cheese. You love fruit and cheese, all the time. But when I ask you what you want to eat, no matter what time of day, your answer is always macaroni and cheese. 

You go to bed fairly easy. The past week or so have been a little more difficult. 

I'm trying to make a larger routine, so we've been doing bath, dinner, drink, brush teeth, go potty then read a story and go to bed. You don't ever want to brush your teeth. You have awful canker sores, just like daddy. So if the tooth brush hits it, you become very upset. 

You don't take naps anymore. They were making it way too hard to get you to sleep at night. You do fall asleep in the car though. Every time, unless I want you to haha

About a week before you turned three, we started potty learning. You picked it up right away. We both needed to be ready. I'd say you are about 99% good with staying dry. You were wearing undies at night, but you got sick and had a few accidents, so we're back in cloth. Just at night though.

You love singing. All day, every day you are singing some song. We listen to toddler raido on Pandora, and have dance parties. You also watch videos on the iPad. 

For so long, you were afraid of slides. You hit your head on one, when you were about 18 months and didn't want to go on one again. The last couple of weeks however, you have been a slide maniac. When we go to the park, you go up and down. Up and down. Over and over. No matter how long we stay, it's never long enough. We also take a ball out the the big field and kick it around for a while. It's one of your favorite things.

Your absolute favorite activity, is playing big ball with daddy. Or watching tv with daddy. Or playing "loop to loop cars"....with daddy. Pretty much, if daddy's involved, you love it. He is your favorite person. 

You are the most loving person I've ever met. You give complete strangers hugs, and tell them you love them. You spread joy, wherever you go. 

I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow. You make my world go round, and I am so lucky to be your mama. 

Be happy. Mom guilt.

Sweet Pea always says this. She'll look at you, with her big brown eyes and the sweetest smile, "be happy! Like this". It started as just, "be happy", but has morphed into a lesson on how to be happy.

I wish it were that easy. I wish I could look at loved ones and and just tell them to be happy, and have it actually work.

What an awesome super power!

I also wish it worked on me.

In my heart, I'm happy. I love my family, with all of my being. But there's this blanket of depression and cynicism covers my body. It's exhausting.

I also feel awful that Sweet Pea feels the need to say it all the time. Do I go about my life with a grumpy scowl on my face? Do I not hide my depression well enough? Am I damaging her? I always tell her that she makes me happy. Is that wrong? Am I not supposed to say that? Is she taking it to mean that she physically needs to show me how? Haha

Mom guilt, combined with makes your mind go crazy. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Just a little update

I think Sweet Pea is officially potty trained. I'm saying that very cautiously. 

She has been dry for about 2 weeks, and has been in undies *at night* for about a week. She had one accident a couple of weeks ago, at the beach. Ohhhh and she had a couple when she was sick, that I completely forgot about. 

I've been in so much pain, for like...3 months. The last week has been the worst. I was crying everyday, crying myself to sleep. It.was.awful. 

Yesterday and today have been better. I still hurt, but not as bad. If I keep moving, it hurts less. But the moment I sit down to rest, I feel like I'm dying. 

It's mainly my back/spine and is currently my left shoulder as well. My spine always hurts, but the other pain moves around. My skin hurts, and I get awful muscle cramps/spasms. Most days, it's just too much. 

With all of that, things are actually looking up. We're becoming more organized and are taking care of things that have needed some TLC for a long time. 

We're hoping to get our roof fixed soon, and then we'll be able to fix the floors. 

Mister and I are going to take Sweet Pea to the beach for the night, in a little over a month. My mom is letting us use her timeshare. I'm really looking forward to it. 

I have a doctors appointment next week, to find out what the hell is going on with my body. Because I'm done. 

Friday, June 10, 2016

Feeling good

Can I just say how happy I am? I just feel....good!

I'm looking forward to things, finally! Just little things. I look forward to spending the day with Sweet Pea, and look forward to spending the evenings with Mister. 

I'm even looking forward to cleaning the next day lol I ordered a bissell stick vacuum...I'm so freaking excited to use it lmao

There are plenty of things to feel down and stressed out about, and I'm definitely stressed, but I'm not going to let it rain on my happy parade.

Sweet Pea is doing so well with potty training. She's had a total of 3 accidents, the entire time! She's mastered pulling her own pants down and going when she needs to. As long as she isn't super into something.

On the way home from the beach yesterday, she told us she had to pee. So we pulled over, and put the potty in between the two side doors lol She went, and her pullup was dry the whole way home.

She's even been going on the big potty, when out and about. She only wears diapers at bedtime, and the pullup for the long drive. Otherwise, she's in undies...or naked lol

I'm so incredibly proud of her.

It feels like things are falling apart. But, I'm just sure they're going to be just fine. Things will work out. I know it. 

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Cherish your family. They're the only ones you've got!

Sweet Pea is turning 3! In less than a month. I sometimes see her as being so much older, because she acts like it so often.

I've been thinking more and more about gratitude and family. I have an amazing family. 

Mister drives me absolutely insane sometimes, but he is so caring and attentive. He does so much for our family, and I take it for granted everyday. He does all the cooking, all the grocery shopping, every single dish that gets by him. We've got it pretty good.

Then there's Sweet Pea. I am so incredibly lucky to have her. All I ever wanted out of life, was to have a little girl, just like her. And what do I do? I waste her young childhood sleeping, or on the stupid iPad. I definitely take her, and how lucky I am for granted. 

There are women out there, men too, that would love to have this family. To have a supportive husband, an amazing little girl...what more could I ask for?

I know I take my mom for granted too, so much. She does an incredible amount for us. I don't take her for granted, like I don't thank her and appreciate her. But I forget sometimes, that other people don't have amazing mom's like I do. Her and I have come such a long way since I was a teenager. We've grown together, and have a wonderful friendship now. I just wish there was more I could do for her, to repay her.

I've also got a large extended family. Two of them, actually. One I don't know very well yet. But the other one, I grew up with. I love spending time with them. It's the highlight of my month, when there's a family function happening. 

Our family used to get together all the time. The whole family, all the cousins and aunts/uncles. But now...we get together on the super big holidays. Rarely for anyone's birthday. Christmas and Thanksgiving are the ones I can think of, where most everyone is there.

I personally don't take that big loving and caring family for granted. I know there are people out there that long for a large family like that. We are so lucky to still have everyone in our family. 

When people say they don't want to go to a function, or that we have too many of them, it hurts my feelings. I take it personally, because that's our family. You can see your friends any time. But family is different. 

You're never going to find a new grandparent, or sister, or brother. Appreciate them. You aren't better than anyone else. 

I also have a new family. A biological family. I'm still getting to know them, and I need to reach out more. I just get so nervous, and lately I've been on this constantly cleaning kick, and potty training Sweet Pea (that's only been 3 days, that is absolutely no reason to have not talked to any of them in 2 weeks!) 

I'm lucky to have more people to love and who care about me. I enjoy talking to them all. They're all so kind and welcoming. I just suck at reaching out.

PS...I have no idea when I wrote this LOL I think it was around Easter, maybe. I forgot to post it. Oops.

Friday, May 20, 2016

No kisses for Sweet Pea

My heart is sad this week. 

Sweet Pea is turning 3 on Monday, and her party is tomorrow. 

I should be smooching her sweet face, any chance I get. She's learning to go potty in the potty, and I should be showering her with kisses. 

Instead, I tear up every time I go to kiss her. 

I have this disgusting staph infection on my lip, right under my nose. If I kissed my sweet girl, she would most likely get it. 

I got this wonderful thing, when I was in the hospital, having Sweet Pea! My face itched from the epidural, so I was scratching it and had an oxygen thing up my nose. It was awful. 

Sweet Pea kind of understands. I told her it's an owie and that she would get it if I kissed her. So she gives me kisses on my cheeks.

I'm craving kissing her sweet little cheeks.

I remember when she was a newborn, and I had this, I wasn't able to kiss my baby. My baby that I have waited all my life for. I kissed her foot once, by accident, and had to hurry and disinfect it. 

My heart is going to break, if I can't kiss my girl on her birthday. I'm literally in tears thinking about it. 

Feeling pride in my home

I didn't use to like the home we live in. I was embarrassed about the stigma behind the kind of place we have, and afraid of what people would say.

I didn't help take care of it, at all. I would maybe vacuum once in a while and do laundry. That was about it. The rest would fall on Mister, and he did what he could. He did all the dishes, and all the cooking.

Recently, I've realized how lucky we are to have this place. It's a roof over all of our heads. It keeps us *mostly* warm in the winter (insulation sucks) and doesn't keep up cool in the summer LOL My mom bought as a heatpump, right after Sweet Pea was born. It helps SO much.

So with the new found gratitude I have for our wonderful home, I've started taking better care of it. I'm feeling some pride in this place.

I'm cleaning more, and more things. I cleaned the horrid fridge last week >.< I'm vacuuming constantly (thanks to Sweet Pea's crumbs) and I've taken over the dishes/kitchen, maybe not all the cooking, but I've been doing a lot more! I'm able to keep up with putting the dishes away, instead of letting them pile up on the drying rack. That shit drives me nuts! I also cleaned our bedroom. You don't even want to know how bad it was. It was SO embarrassing. I wouldn't even let my mom in there.

It wasn't any food or anything gross. However. Sweet Pea's books were on the floor, about 20 of them. Like, in a pile by the bed, so we could easily grab them. I've been wanting to move ALL her books to the bedroom, on a bookshelf, for a while. But before I did, the ants attacked them!! WTF? Books? They were ALL over them. So I started cleaning, and didn't stop until 6 hours later O.O 

I still have to put all the clean laundry away that's been sitting on my chair, for weeks. I also have a couple loads to wash. But that's it. It's done. 

That all started, because I wanted to take Sweet Pea's crib apart. She used it once, and it was still attached to the bed. It kind of snowballed from there. 

I turn up the music, LOUD, and I rock out, while I clean. 

There's something so settling about going to bed, knowing your house is clean. Our place isn't clean now, by any means. We have a hard time keeping up on the grime, but I'm working on that. And it's SO much better than it was. 

The shitty part of all of this? I don't know how long it's going to last. 

Right now I feel great and energized. But with bipolar disorder, your mood can change any time. The cleaning urge has been around for about a month. I hope it stays for good. I actually enjoy cleaning! It's time that I can try to block out everything, and have time to myself. To listen to loud music and get shit done. It just feels good.

Take some pride in your home. No matter what kind of dwelling you have, it's your home. The place where you sleep. It protects your from harsh weather. And right now, it's the only one you've got. 

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Letters to Sweet Pea

Dear Sweet Pea,

As I was rocking you in bed tonight, I cried. I sobbed as I laid you down, and watching you fall asleep. 

You are growing and changing, so fast. While I was rocking you, you were falling asleep. Like you did when you were tiny. My heart filled with joy, and then you asked to lay in your spot. I was filled with so many emotions. 

Sadness, because there was a time, not too long ago, that you would fall asleep in my arms, while I sang to you. I didn't know that was going to be the last time. No one does. But, if I had know, I would have soaked in every second of it. I would have memorized your eyes, as they slowly closed. I would have remembered your sweet little hands, and the way you play with your blanket, as you fall asleep. I remember you doing those things, but I wish I had that last moment.

I felt some guilt, because you're growing so fast and I feel like I don't engage with you enough. I feel like, even though I'm around you all day every day, It feels like I'm missing so much still. That I'm not present enough. I've been doing better lately, but I want to do more.

Most of all, my heart was full of pride. Yes, you're growing way to fast for my heart. But, you are becoming more independent, and that's what you're supposed to be doing. You wanting to lay in your spot to fall asleep, means you are comfortable falling asleep on your own...almost. We lay down together, and you use my arm as a pillow haha 

You are also learning how to use the potty! We started 2.5 days ago, and you've only had one wet diaper, and it was a night time one. I'm so proud of you. 

You're also wanting to help out more. You like helping make any meal or snack. You've loved doing laundry for a long time, and yesterday, you helped me wash dishes! You don't really care if I pick out your clothes, but you like it when I ask if you want to. 

I know you still need me, and I love that. You need help getting dressed and undressed, and still need help brushing your teeth and hair. I love brushing your hair. You don't enjoy it as much. It's so gorgeous, and getting long!

I love you so incredibly much. You're turning 3 in 3 days. 3 years ago today, you were still in my belly. I told you about that as I rocked you tonight. I sang you the songs I would sing, while you were still in my belly. I told you about how you used to dance when I would sing, and how you used to punch and kick me, you thought that was really funny.

You amaze me multiple times a day. You say the funniest things, and are so caring. When daddy or I are feeling sick, you are right there to comfort us and put a bandage on. 

I love you more than life itself. 

I can't wait to see what amazing things you're going to do as you grow.

Now, I'm going to go snuggle you and fall asleep.

Your emotional mama

A mother's typical morning. No? Just me then?

I just realized, while hiding in the kitchen, eating an hours old breakfast sandwich, that I hadn't eaten since I got up....5 hours ago. 

So here's how our day has gone, so far. 

7AM: Wake up, rip off the dry (yaaaay!!!) diaper, and rush to the potty. And we wait. And wait. Then we move the potty to the front room, and waited some more.

7:45AM: Get toddler seated on potty, and hand her some breakfast...yes. On the potty. No fucks given here. 

8:15AM: Play ball with said toddler, while she insists she needs to sit on the potty. So, potty ball it is. 

8:35AM: I remind her of the sticker she gets, if she pees.

8:36AM: Toddler pees, a lot.

8:40AM: Clean potty, clean toddler, clean hands, clean pick stickers. Toddler throws a fit, because she doesn't get ALLL the stickers. A full sheet, is clearly not enough. 

9AM: Have 5 seconds to myself, so I throw my sandwich in the microwave, and press start.

9:05AM: Start laundry, for toddler's birthday on Saturday.

9:15AM: Get banana for toddler, that she refuses to eat.

9:30: Call mom, to firm up plans and to brag about how awesome toddler is, for having a dry diaper...and cute tushie :P 

10AM: Try to get toddler to use the potty again.

10:02AM: Toddler says she needs a treat. A "big" doughnut, to be exact -_- 

10:03AM: Daddy agrees, so I go get the treat. As well as reheat my sandwich.

10:15AM: Wash all the dishes from the night before, because I was too tired to do them.

10:30AM: Notice all the fucking crumbs on the floor you vacuumed yesterday. Toddler starts screaming about her snowman blanket. You have to go get it, right this second!

10:31AM: Reheat sandwich, again. Go get the stupid blanket, while leaving toddler on the potty.

10:32AM: Toddler runs down the hall. You obviously hide in the closet to scare her lmao

10:35AM: Toddler pees again!! *YAY!* 

10:36AM: Clean potty, clean toddler, clean hands, pick sticker.

10:40AM: Pick up stuff off the floor so you can vacuum the crumbs. 

10:45AM: Finish vacuuming, put away vacuum, and put Peppa panties on the toddler. While thoroughly explaining, how panties work (they're NOT diapers!) and what we need to do when we go pee.

10:50: Husband calls you into the bedroom to look at something.

11AM: Reheat the damn sandwich, again.

11:01AM: Switch the laundry over.

11:05AM: Hide in the kitchen, and eat your old sandwich as fast as possible. While standing with your back to the toddler.

11:15AM: Start writing funny blog post

11:20AM: Toddler pees in potty *YAY!!* clean, clean, clean, pick sticker.

11:25AM: Toddler asks for popsicle, because you've been pumping her full of them the last couple of days, to help her pee *sigh* Try to talk toddler into going potty first, THEN she gets a popsicle.

And then she makes you giggle your ass off, because she's so silly.

"You yike puple posicles, mommy."

Mmm, no. Not really.

"But it matches your shirt."

I have to eat foods that match my shirt??

"Um, yes. You sure are hungry, sweet mommy kitty."

And here we are. 

I'm already exhausted. 

We've had one wet diaper in 48 hours, and that was a night time diaper. Her first night of learning.

We just started this Tuesday afternoon, it's now late Thursday morning. She's doing SO well. I couldn't be any prouder. 

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Mom brain is no joke!

Does anyone else feel like the need 5 of everything? On for each room. I'm talking like, medicine, or oils, or thermometers, or potties LOL 

By the time I get to the room, where the thing that I need is...I've already forgotten why I'm in there, and I leave. Later, I think "oh ya! I need to do that." and it starts all over!

I went to finally switch the laundry over, from washing it this morning. I held it up to my face, to smell it. I do that with all the laundry. I think it started, when we started cloth diapers, because I needed to make sure they were really clean.

ANYWAY, they hadn't been washed! I held gross, dirty laundry up to my face...and took a huge whiff. It didn't stink, but didn't smell like Tide -_- 

I remember putting the clothes in there, adding soap, then leaving to wash my hands....and never coming back. 

It's taken me alll day to write this, because I keep getting side tracked. 

With dumping potties, wiping down the counters, dealing with this staph infection on my memory is shot. 

I go to get some tea tree oil, for my face...then think, oh. I should pee while I'm here. *you never know when your sneeze will be TOO big*. By the time I'm done washing my hands...I leave. Completely forgetting the oil. Same thing with Sweet Pea's eczema cream. I forget it. So I put it in the front room, for easy access. Then forget to take it to bed, when I get her ready. 

It's just a bunch of little things I'm forgetting. But gah! I feel so inept. 

Potty training, as a better mommy

It's happening! It's finally happening!!! Yesterday afternoon, Sweet Pea asked to sit on the potty! I ripped that pull-up off so fast, and we ran to the potty.

We sat, and sat. And sat. Then we sat a little more. Nothing was happening. We moved from the little potty, to the big one, and sat some more O.O Then went back to the little one.

We read books about going potty and saying goodbye to diapers. We even watched videos about it.


I moved the potty to the front room, and told Sweet Pea we weren't wearing diapers at home anymore, unless it's for sleeping. That we were going to be naked for a while.

Then...I pumped her full of juice, water, POPSICLES!

She's been dry since, except for her night time diaper. She doesn't really want to get off the potty and play, yet. But we're getting there.

Right now, she's sitting on the potty, in front of the TV....watching Caillou -_- Don't judge me. It's working lol

She *just* mentioned going poop!!! She's really not comfortable going poop out of her diaper, so fingers crossed this goes well. I don't want to traumatize her.

She is going to be 3, in 4 days :'(  She's growing so fast. But I am definitely ready to be done with diapers, of all kinds.

The thing no one really talks about, with potty training a child, is the parent being ready too. Everyone needs to be in the right mindset, and ready to commit to it. It means, jumping out of bed the second the toddler wakes up, to rush them to the potty. It means not leaving the house, for several days, until they get it down better.

It means you'll be cleaning up messes, a lot of messes.

The past few weeks have been amazing. I have felt so energized, and so happy. All three of us are doing well, mentally. (Physically, I hurt like a mofo)

So I guess, the stars and planets had to align just right. 

I've been rocking motherhood the past few weeks. Sweet Pea told me this morning, "You went to the conference, and now you're a better mommy!"

She's talking about the 4th trimester body love meet up, as well as the Birth Without Fear, Find Your Village meet up. We were talking to her about it, for a long time. We wanted her to be comfortable and more at ease with me being gone all day. She did great ;) 

I was having the worst mom guilt in the world, before the conferences. I was crying all day, about being a horrid mother. I was lashing out at Sweet Pea, and Mister. 

But after going to both these conferences, and connecting with like minded people, in real life, changed everything. 

I feel more confident, in my body and my parenting. January Harshe pointed out, that if your kids are fed and have a roof over their head, you are a good parent. 

Sweet Pea never goes to bed hungry, we own our home outright, she's clothed...except for the last couple of days haha She has a warm bed to sleep in, and warm arms to wrap around her. We're good. She's good. She's so loved.

Jen McCellan, from Plus Size Mommy Memoirs and her partner, spoke on body positivity and being in the pictures with your kids. She said something that made almost as much sense as January's point. 

Love the body you're in. This is the one you have, right now. There's no point is spending your life, miserable. Is being thinner, going to actually make you happy? Will all your problems simply, disappear, because you're thin now? I know mine won't.

So I'm going to spend my life, enjoying this body. It grew the most amazing human in the world. 


Tuesday, April 26, 2016

I accidentally went full crazy...

I don't even know where to start this. 

My mom came over yesterday, to go to Party City, to buy birthday decorations for Sweet Pea. (She's turning 3!!!)

We all got in the car, and headed over. When we first got there, an old man in an SUV was blocking the entrance into the area with the parking spots. He was waiting for his old lady wife to come out of Khols. He left, and we were able to park.

As my mom was slowly backing out, to straighten the car, the same asshole flew through the lot and hit the back of my mom's new car!! Sweet Pea was in the backseat, and I lost I've never lost it before.

I flew out of the car, and ran up to the driver's door. He asked if we hit his car...then I got really mad. That senile old bastard hit us. 

I started screaming horrible obscenities at him. I even threatened him. I've never, ever done that to a complete stranger. I feel horrible. 

I mainly feel bad for my mom though. It was a stressful enough situation. She did not need me turning into a complete psycho.

It wasn't even that bad of a hit. Their mirror hit right under the back window, and left a 6 inch scratch. If Sweet Pea wasn't in the car, I'm sure I wouldn't have acted that way. Which is no excuse for the way I behaved.

I explained that to Sweet Pea later in the day, and again this morning. We aren't supposed to talk to people like that. I was very wrong. 

I guess mama bear is a term for a reason. 

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Helper Pea

Today is another good day. Not as good as yesterday but, I'm up. I'm about to go fold some laundry, with Sweet Pea.

She's really interested in helping right now. She wants to help cook, clean, change the sheets... and is really excited about folding laundry. So I want to take advantage of it, to teach her how to do these things. 

I wasn't ever really "taught" how to do things. Or how to take care of myself. I learned along the an extent. I can't cook. At all. I could burn water. I had to google how to boil an egg, for dying them this year. 

I want Sweet Pea to know the basics on taking care of herself. She's helping me make her food, she does help me clean...when I'm able to. She helps me wash the laundry, every. single. time. I just want her to know. So she's not completely dependent on another person.

And now she's shoving her underpants in my face, telling me to fold them. She's excited.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

We all have hard days. But we're all good mothers.

I think we, as mothers, try as hard as we can to be good ones. We all struggle at some point. I don't want to say that I struggle more than most people. That would be very untrue. No one knows how much you're struggling, except you. 

Some days, I struggle a lot for me. Too much for me. A lot of days are like that in fact. Days where I can't do anything except, feed and change Sweet Pea's diaper. There are days where I'm not able to leave the house. 

I've talked about this in the past, on another blog. It lasted for about a year, then I took the whole blog down because of some negative attention.

The fact of the matter is, we need to break the stigma that is mental illness. It's not anything you can control getting. I was born this fucked up. 

Anxiety is no joke. Depression is no joke....Mania is no joke. And those are just the top 3. PTSD (I just went and looked up my ongoing conditions. I was actually diagnosed with "Chronic" PTSD), agoraphobia w/panic disorder, OCD....any one of those would be pure hell. Having all of them is suffocating most days.

All I've ever wanted out of life, was to be a mom. I imagined what it would be like. I would have all of this energy. I would do all the crafts. There sure as hell wouldn't be a TV on all the time. 

You know what changes, after you have a child? You have so much more shit to handle. You are responsible for another human being. They need to eat, and bathe. They create a ridiculous amount of laundry, on top of the laundry you were doing before they came. Diapers. The never ending fucking diapers. Sweet Pea is almost 3, and I'm still dealing with diapers. 

I thought I would be a better mom more involved mom. I am a good mom. I am literally doing the best that I can. That's all anyone can ask of anyone else. 

I've been on over 20 different medications, for the various problems I have. I've been in some form of therapy for over 20 years. It's not like I haven't been trying to get better. We literally have 2 more medications to try. That's it. After that? I don't know. My doctor doesn't know. 

The medications either give me a bad reaction, or they don't work at all. I'm currently unmedicated. I have been for several months. I feel better than I have in years. I was diagnosed bipolar, almost 10 years ago. I've been on some form of mood stabilizer since. And I was on sleeping medication since high school.

I do have some good days. Days where I don't feel like the weight of the world is crushing me. Days where I can get off the couch, and be involved. Be the mother I want to be. On those days, like today, I try to get as much done as possible. I try to play with Sweet Pea as much as I can. I try to connect with Mister more. 

I don't want Sweet Pea to only have memories of me, laying on the couch. I'm afraid that I'm damaging her. I feel selfish for having her. I often feel like she deserves better. Mom guilt is also crushing. I know she loves me to pieces, but I want more for her. 

I may not be able to be the mom I want to be, all the time. But I do my best, and I'm always here for her. I just hope she grows up knowing that, and knowing how much I love her. 

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Short walks on the beach

When Mister and I first got together, we went to the beach fairly often. It was really special. We would walk the beach and browse the shops. The first time we went, he bought me a Corona hoodie. It definitely no longer fits, but I'll never get rid of it.

We haven't been to the beach, just the two of us, in 6+ years. We went once, when Sweet Pea was 10 weeks old....that was really hard.

My mom took all of us to Sea Side, yesterday. We got a little side tracked along the way, but it was still nice.

We were only able to stay on the actual beach, for a couple of hours. During that time however, Mister and I left Sweet Pea with my mom, and we went to walk the beach. We were looking for seashells, mainly for Sweet Pea.

I felt so connected to him at that moment. We were relaxed, joking and laughing. We took pictures together, like we did nearly 11 years ago. 

We also found two *whole* sand dollars! No cracks or anything. It felt like it brought us closer. 

When I struggle, he struggles. Which in turn, makes us as a unit, struggle. 

It was just, really nice. It was only like, 30 minutes alone. But they were wonderful. 

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Irrational fears of an anxious mother

I've been having a lot of anxiety about Sweet Pea recently. It's not normal anxiety, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. Even just sitting here, I'm running through all of these scenarios in my head. It's stressful. But hasn't quite changed the way I'm living, yet....So I want to get a hold of it, before it gets out of hand.

Lately, I've been terrified of someone taking Sweet Pea away, as in kidnapping. I mean, it's every parents fear, but this is causing an immense amount of anxiety. I'm also terrified of someone abusing her, but that's been a fear for a long time, stemming from my own childhood abuse. 

I first noticed the fear or anxiousness when I got a couple friend requests from men, that I had no connection to. You can't see anything on my profile...except Sweet Pea. It creeped me out so bad, that I changed my profile picture, to something other than her face. I don't need complete strangers seeing her pictures.

Well, if you really think about it, I never use her name on I guess there's that. And I made my Instagram account private, because those pictures end up alllll over the internet. Creeps me out. The thought of anyone being able to see Sweet Pea in her diaper, or sleeping. Just, no. 

When it started warming up, I was opening windows. Sweet Pea still sleeps in the big bed, but I come back out to spend time with Mister after she goes to sleep. I have to shut, and lock the windows if she's in the bedroom by herself. Even then, I'm nervous the whole time I'm in the front room. Panicking at every noise.

It's gotten so bad, that I'm seriously considering taking down pictures from here, with her face in them. I just can't handle this anxiety. I know it's irrational, and I'm planning on talking with my doctor at my next appointment. But ugh. 

We watched this movie, The Tall Man, when I was pregnant with Sweet Pea. I had nightmares for a month. It's like they're all coming back, but also while I'm awake. I'm not even comfortable leaving her in the front room, with the windows open if I'm not here with her. I do it, because who wants to shut that many windows every time they pee? But, damn.

It's mostly while at home. I'm not scared if we're out and about. Sometimes if Sweet Pea and I are waiting in the car for Mister, I get nervous...but not often. 

Monday, March 21, 2016

Working through anxiety

My anxiety has always been pretty bad. I was on medication for it, for years. But when I got pregnant, I had to stop cold turkey. It was awful coming off of it. So much so, that my doctor doesn't want to put me on anything else.

I go through long periods where I don't have any anxiety. The past few months have not been one of those times. The combination of trying new medications and brain chemistry, I've been a mess. 

Anyway, the past few days have been extra bad. Today, I woke up and decided we needed a change. At least for the day.

I explained to Sweet Pea, as we were both waking up, that we weren't going to watch TV today. She was going to get to play with her toys, or she could use her tablets, but no TV. She seemed to understand. 

We've listened to music, and had a dance party. I opened all the curtains to let in what little light there is, and turned off most of the artificial light. I just want a nice calm feeling. I desperately need to get a diffuser. I think that would help all of us, immensely. 

Sweet Pea is now quietly playing. She has asked quite a few times to watch Caillou or the Baby Movie (Inside Out), but I calmly tell her that we're not watching TV today, and she goes back to playing.

I can already feel my anxiety going down. I don't know how long I'll get away with this, but for right's wonderful. 

As of late, Sweet Pea has also been terrified of monsters :( It's to the point where I'm not allowed to leave the room, at all. Even to go to the kitchen, where she can see me. She's scared of the "toe monster" and the "couch monster". Bedtimes were getting hard, which they never were before.

Before I was even pregnant, I told myself I was going to use "monster spray" when my child got to this stage. Lavender and water, in a spray bottle. It keeps the monsters away, and helps the child sleep.

We started using a few days ago, and she's been sleeping SO much better! She only wakes once or twice a night, instead of four or five times. Not to mention, she'll actually go to bed now. 

We spray it on the windows, so the monsters can't get in. On Sweet Pea's pillow, so she has good dreams. And on her tootsies, so she sleeps well. Works like a charm. Another reason I want to get a diffuser, I'm thinking it would help both of us sleep better, if I diffused a little lavender. 

She is such a sweet girl, and puts up with so much. I don't know how I got so lucky, to get such an easy going kid. She whines, like most kids...but she's really low maintenance. 

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Good night Sweet Pea

I haven't posted for a while, what's new? Sweet Pea is growing like a weed, and we're planning her third birthday. 

I really just wanted to come and write about what happened tonight at bedtime. She's never had a hard time going to bed, except the couple of months, when she was an infant. 

Tonight, she started crying and saying she can't go to bed. I asked her why she didn't want to go to bed, but she wasn't really able to verbalize it. I rocked her for a while and sang, then she was able to lay down. I adjusted her pillow, and her Georgie Pig was under it (from Peppa Pig) She was so excited! "Oh hank you! Hank you mommy! I don't want to yose Georgie!" 

I asked her if she had a dream about losing Georgie, and she said yes. She said she didn't want to drop him and have him fall :( It was so sad! Anyway, she laid right down, we snuggled and she fell asleep. 

I have a few post ideas jotted down. I just have a lot going on. Crazy stuff. Good stuff.