Tuesday, April 26, 2016

I accidentally went full crazy...

I don't even know where to start this. 

My mom came over yesterday, to go to Party City, to buy birthday decorations for Sweet Pea. (She's turning 3!!!)

We all got in the car, and headed over. When we first got there, an old man in an SUV was blocking the entrance into the area with the parking spots. He was waiting for his old lady wife to come out of Khols. He left, and we were able to park.

As my mom was slowly backing out, to straighten the car, the same asshole flew through the lot and hit the back of my mom's new car!! Sweet Pea was in the backseat, and I lost it...like I've never lost it before.

I flew out of the car, and ran up to the driver's door. He asked if we hit his car...then I got really mad. That senile old bastard hit us. 

I started screaming horrible obscenities at him. I even threatened him. I've never, ever done that to a complete stranger. I feel horrible. 

I mainly feel bad for my mom though. It was a stressful enough situation. She did not need me turning into a complete psycho.

It wasn't even that bad of a hit. Their mirror hit right under the back window, and left a 6 inch scratch. If Sweet Pea wasn't in the car, I'm sure I wouldn't have acted that way. Which is no excuse for the way I behaved.

I explained that to Sweet Pea later in the day, and again this morning. We aren't supposed to talk to people like that. I was very wrong. 

I guess mama bear is a term for a reason. 

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Helper Pea

Today is another good day. Not as good as yesterday but, I'm up. I'm about to go fold some laundry, with Sweet Pea.

She's really interested in helping right now. She wants to help cook, clean, change the sheets... and is really excited about folding laundry. So I want to take advantage of it, to teach her how to do these things. 

I wasn't ever really "taught" how to do things. Or how to take care of myself. I learned along the way...to an extent. I can't cook. At all. I could burn water. I had to google how to boil an egg, for dying them this year. 

I want Sweet Pea to know the basics on taking care of herself. She's helping me make her food, she does help me clean...when I'm able to. She helps me wash the laundry, every. single. time. I just want her to know. So she's not completely dependent on another person.

And now she's shoving her underpants in my face, telling me to fold them. She's excited.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

We all have hard days. But we're all good mothers.

I think we, as mothers, try as hard as we can to be good ones. We all struggle at some point. I don't want to say that I struggle more than most people. That would be very untrue. No one knows how much you're struggling, except you. 

Some days, I struggle a lot for me. Too much for me. A lot of days are like that in fact. Days where I can't do anything except, feed and change Sweet Pea's diaper. There are days where I'm not able to leave the house. 

I've talked about this in the past, on another blog. It lasted for about a year, then I took the whole blog down because of some negative attention.

The fact of the matter is, we need to break the stigma that is mental illness. It's not anything you can control getting. I was born this fucked up. 

Anxiety is no joke. Depression is no joke....Mania is no joke. And those are just the top 3. PTSD (I just went and looked up my ongoing conditions. I was actually diagnosed with "Chronic" PTSD), agoraphobia w/panic disorder, OCD....any one of those would be pure hell. Having all of them is suffocating most days.

All I've ever wanted out of life, was to be a mom. I imagined what it would be like. I would have all of this energy. I would do all the crafts. There sure as hell wouldn't be a TV on all the time. 

You know what changes, after you have a child? You have so much more shit to handle. You are responsible for another human being. They need to eat, and bathe. They create a ridiculous amount of laundry, on top of the laundry you were doing before they came. Diapers. The never ending fucking diapers. Sweet Pea is almost 3, and I'm still dealing with diapers. 

I thought I would be a better mom more involved mom. I am a good mom. I am literally doing the best that I can. That's all anyone can ask of anyone else. 

I've been on over 20 different medications, for the various problems I have. I've been in some form of therapy for over 20 years. It's not like I haven't been trying to get better. We literally have 2 more medications to try. That's it. After that? I don't know. My doctor doesn't know. 

The medications either give me a bad reaction, or they don't work at all. I'm currently unmedicated. I have been for several months. I feel better than I have in years. I was diagnosed bipolar, almost 10 years ago. I've been on some form of mood stabilizer since. And I was on sleeping medication since high school.

I do have some good days. Days where I don't feel like the weight of the world is crushing me. Days where I can get off the couch, and be involved. Be the mother I want to be. On those days, like today, I try to get as much done as possible. I try to play with Sweet Pea as much as I can. I try to connect with Mister more. 

I don't want Sweet Pea to only have memories of me, laying on the couch. I'm afraid that I'm damaging her. I feel selfish for having her. I often feel like she deserves better. Mom guilt is also crushing. I know she loves me to pieces, but I want more for her. 

I may not be able to be the mom I want to be, all the time. But I do my best, and I'm always here for her. I just hope she grows up knowing that, and knowing how much I love her. 

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Short walks on the beach

When Mister and I first got together, we went to the beach fairly often. It was really special. We would walk the beach and browse the shops. The first time we went, he bought me a Corona hoodie. It definitely no longer fits, but I'll never get rid of it.

We haven't been to the beach, just the two of us, in 6+ years. We went once, when Sweet Pea was 10 weeks old....that was really hard.

My mom took all of us to Sea Side, yesterday. We got a little side tracked along the way, but it was still nice.

We were only able to stay on the actual beach, for a couple of hours. During that time however, Mister and I left Sweet Pea with my mom, and we went to walk the beach. We were looking for seashells, mainly for Sweet Pea.

I felt so connected to him at that moment. We were relaxed, joking and laughing. We took pictures together, like we did nearly 11 years ago. 

We also found two *whole* sand dollars! No cracks or anything. It felt like it brought us closer. 

When I struggle, he struggles. Which in turn, makes us as a unit, struggle. 

It was just, really nice. It was only like, 30 minutes alone. But they were wonderful. 

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Irrational fears of an anxious mother

I've been having a lot of anxiety about Sweet Pea recently. It's not normal anxiety, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. Even just sitting here, I'm running through all of these scenarios in my head. It's stressful. But hasn't quite changed the way I'm living, yet....So I want to get a hold of it, before it gets out of hand.

Lately, I've been terrified of someone taking Sweet Pea away, as in kidnapping. I mean, it's every parents fear, but this is causing an immense amount of anxiety. I'm also terrified of someone abusing her, but that's been a fear for a long time, stemming from my own childhood abuse. 

I first noticed the fear or anxiousness when I got a couple friend requests from men, that I had no connection to. You can't see anything on my profile...except Sweet Pea. It creeped me out so bad, that I changed my profile picture, to something other than her face. I don't need complete strangers seeing her pictures.

Well, if you really think about it, I never use her name on here...so I guess there's that. And I made my Instagram account private, because those pictures end up alllll over the internet. Creeps me out. The thought of anyone being able to see Sweet Pea in her diaper, or sleeping. Just, no. 

When it started warming up, I was opening windows. Sweet Pea still sleeps in the big bed, but I come back out to spend time with Mister after she goes to sleep. I have to shut, and lock the windows if she's in the bedroom by herself. Even then, I'm nervous the whole time I'm in the front room. Panicking at every noise.

It's gotten so bad, that I'm seriously considering taking down pictures from here, with her face in them. I just can't handle this anxiety. I know it's irrational, and I'm planning on talking with my doctor at my next appointment. But ugh. 

We watched this movie, The Tall Man, when I was pregnant with Sweet Pea. I had nightmares for a month. It's like they're all coming back, but also while I'm awake. I'm not even comfortable leaving her in the front room, with the windows open if I'm not here with her. I do it, because who wants to shut that many windows every time they pee? But, damn.

It's mostly while at home. I'm not scared if we're out and about. Sometimes if Sweet Pea and I are waiting in the car for Mister, I get nervous...but not often.