Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Irrational fears of an anxious mother

I've been having a lot of anxiety about Sweet Pea recently. It's not normal anxiety, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. Even just sitting here, I'm running through all of these scenarios in my head. It's stressful. But hasn't quite changed the way I'm living, yet....So I want to get a hold of it, before it gets out of hand.

Lately, I've been terrified of someone taking Sweet Pea away, as in kidnapping. I mean, it's every parents fear, but this is causing an immense amount of anxiety. I'm also terrified of someone abusing her, but that's been a fear for a long time, stemming from my own childhood abuse. 

I first noticed the fear or anxiousness when I got a couple friend requests from men, that I had no connection to. You can't see anything on my profile...except Sweet Pea. It creeped me out so bad, that I changed my profile picture, to something other than her face. I don't need complete strangers seeing her pictures.

Well, if you really think about it, I never use her name on here...so I guess there's that. And I made my Instagram account private, because those pictures end up alllll over the internet. Creeps me out. The thought of anyone being able to see Sweet Pea in her diaper, or sleeping. Just, no. 

When it started warming up, I was opening windows. Sweet Pea still sleeps in the big bed, but I come back out to spend time with Mister after she goes to sleep. I have to shut, and lock the windows if she's in the bedroom by herself. Even then, I'm nervous the whole time I'm in the front room. Panicking at every noise.

It's gotten so bad, that I'm seriously considering taking down pictures from here, with her face in them. I just can't handle this anxiety. I know it's irrational, and I'm planning on talking with my doctor at my next appointment. But ugh. 

We watched this movie, The Tall Man, when I was pregnant with Sweet Pea. I had nightmares for a month. It's like they're all coming back, but also while I'm awake. I'm not even comfortable leaving her in the front room, with the windows open if I'm not here with her. I do it, because who wants to shut that many windows every time they pee? But, damn.

It's mostly while at home. I'm not scared if we're out and about. Sometimes if Sweet Pea and I are waiting in the car for Mister, I get nervous...but not often.