Saturday, April 23, 2016

We all have hard days. But we're all good mothers.

I think we, as mothers, try as hard as we can to be good ones. We all struggle at some point. I don't want to say that I struggle more than most people. That would be very untrue. No one knows how much you're struggling, except you. 

Some days, I struggle a lot for me. Too much for me. A lot of days are like that in fact. Days where I can't do anything except, feed and change Sweet Pea's diaper. There are days where I'm not able to leave the house. 

I've talked about this in the past, on another blog. It lasted for about a year, then I took the whole blog down because of some negative attention.

The fact of the matter is, we need to break the stigma that is mental illness. It's not anything you can control getting. I was born this fucked up. 

Anxiety is no joke. Depression is no joke....Mania is no joke. And those are just the top 3. PTSD (I just went and looked up my ongoing conditions. I was actually diagnosed with "Chronic" PTSD), agoraphobia w/panic disorder, OCD....any one of those would be pure hell. Having all of them is suffocating most days.

All I've ever wanted out of life, was to be a mom. I imagined what it would be like. I would have all of this energy. I would do all the crafts. There sure as hell wouldn't be a TV on all the time. 

You know what changes, after you have a child? You have so much more shit to handle. You are responsible for another human being. They need to eat, and bathe. They create a ridiculous amount of laundry, on top of the laundry you were doing before they came. Diapers. The never ending fucking diapers. Sweet Pea is almost 3, and I'm still dealing with diapers. 

I thought I would be a better mom more involved mom. I am a good mom. I am literally doing the best that I can. That's all anyone can ask of anyone else. 

I've been on over 20 different medications, for the various problems I have. I've been in some form of therapy for over 20 years. It's not like I haven't been trying to get better. We literally have 2 more medications to try. That's it. After that? I don't know. My doctor doesn't know. 

The medications either give me a bad reaction, or they don't work at all. I'm currently unmedicated. I have been for several months. I feel better than I have in years. I was diagnosed bipolar, almost 10 years ago. I've been on some form of mood stabilizer since. And I was on sleeping medication since high school.

I do have some good days. Days where I don't feel like the weight of the world is crushing me. Days where I can get off the couch, and be involved. Be the mother I want to be. On those days, like today, I try to get as much done as possible. I try to play with Sweet Pea as much as I can. I try to connect with Mister more. 

I don't want Sweet Pea to only have memories of me, laying on the couch. I'm afraid that I'm damaging her. I feel selfish for having her. I often feel like she deserves better. Mom guilt is also crushing. I know she loves me to pieces, but I want more for her. 

I may not be able to be the mom I want to be, all the time. But I do my best, and I'm always here for her. I just hope she grows up knowing that, and knowing how much I love her.