Sunday, May 22, 2016

Cherish your family. They're the only ones you've got!

Sweet Pea is turning 3! In less than a month. I sometimes see her as being so much older, because she acts like it so often.

I've been thinking more and more about gratitude and family. I have an amazing family. 

Mister drives me absolutely insane sometimes, but he is so caring and attentive. He does so much for our family, and I take it for granted everyday. He does all the cooking, all the grocery shopping, every single dish that gets by him. We've got it pretty good.

Then there's Sweet Pea. I am so incredibly lucky to have her. All I ever wanted out of life, was to have a little girl, just like her. And what do I do? I waste her young childhood sleeping, or on the stupid iPad. I definitely take her, and how lucky I am for granted. 

There are women out there, men too, that would love to have this family. To have a supportive husband, an amazing little girl...what more could I ask for?

I know I take my mom for granted too, so much. She does an incredible amount for us. I don't take her for granted, like I don't thank her and appreciate her. But I forget sometimes, that other people don't have amazing mom's like I do. Her and I have come such a long way since I was a teenager. We've grown together, and have a wonderful friendship now. I just wish there was more I could do for her, to repay her.

I've also got a large extended family. Two of them, actually. One I don't know very well yet. But the other one, I grew up with. I love spending time with them. It's the highlight of my month, when there's a family function happening. 

Our family used to get together all the time. The whole family, all the cousins and aunts/uncles. But now...we get together on the super big holidays. Rarely for anyone's birthday. Christmas and Thanksgiving are the ones I can think of, where most everyone is there.

I personally don't take that big loving and caring family for granted. I know there are people out there that long for a large family like that. We are so lucky to still have everyone in our family. 

When people say they don't want to go to a function, or that we have too many of them, it hurts my feelings. I take it personally, because that's our family. You can see your friends any time. But family is different. 

You're never going to find a new grandparent, or sister, or brother. Appreciate them. You aren't better than anyone else. 

I also have a new family. A biological family. I'm still getting to know them, and I need to reach out more. I just get so nervous, and lately I've been on this constantly cleaning kick, and potty training Sweet Pea (that's only been 3 days, that is absolutely no reason to have not talked to any of them in 2 weeks!) 

I'm lucky to have more people to love and who care about me. I enjoy talking to them all. They're all so kind and welcoming. I just suck at reaching out.

PS...I have no idea when I wrote this LOL I think it was around Easter, maybe. I forgot to post it. Oops.

Friday, May 20, 2016

No kisses for Sweet Pea

My heart is sad this week. 

Sweet Pea is turning 3 on Monday, and her party is tomorrow. 

I should be smooching her sweet face, any chance I get. She's learning to go potty in the potty, and I should be showering her with kisses. 

Instead, I tear up every time I go to kiss her. 

I have this disgusting staph infection on my lip, right under my nose. If I kissed my sweet girl, she would most likely get it. 

I got this wonderful thing, when I was in the hospital, having Sweet Pea! My face itched from the epidural, so I was scratching it and had an oxygen thing up my nose. It was awful. 

Sweet Pea kind of understands. I told her it's an owie and that she would get it if I kissed her. So she gives me kisses on my cheeks.

I'm craving kissing her sweet little cheeks.

I remember when she was a newborn, and I had this, I wasn't able to kiss my baby. My baby that I have waited all my life for. I kissed her foot once, by accident, and had to hurry and disinfect it. 

My heart is going to break, if I can't kiss my girl on her birthday. I'm literally in tears thinking about it. 

Feeling pride in my home

I didn't use to like the home we live in. I was embarrassed about the stigma behind the kind of place we have, and afraid of what people would say.

I didn't help take care of it, at all. I would maybe vacuum once in a while and do laundry. That was about it. The rest would fall on Mister, and he did what he could. He did all the dishes, and all the cooking.

Recently, I've realized how lucky we are to have this place. It's a roof over all of our heads. It keeps us *mostly* warm in the winter (insulation sucks) and doesn't keep up cool in the summer LOL My mom bought as a heatpump, right after Sweet Pea was born. It helps SO much.

So with the new found gratitude I have for our wonderful home, I've started taking better care of it. I'm feeling some pride in this place.

I'm cleaning more, and more things. I cleaned the horrid fridge last week >.< I'm vacuuming constantly (thanks to Sweet Pea's crumbs) and I've taken over the dishes/kitchen, maybe not all the cooking, but I've been doing a lot more! I'm able to keep up with putting the dishes away, instead of letting them pile up on the drying rack. That shit drives me nuts! I also cleaned our bedroom. You don't even want to know how bad it was. It was SO embarrassing. I wouldn't even let my mom in there.

It wasn't any food or anything gross. However. Sweet Pea's books were on the floor, about 20 of them. Like, in a pile by the bed, so we could easily grab them. I've been wanting to move ALL her books to the bedroom, on a bookshelf, for a while. But before I did, the ants attacked them!! WTF? Books? They were ALL over them. So I started cleaning, and didn't stop until 6 hours later O.O 

I still have to put all the clean laundry away that's been sitting on my chair, for weeks. I also have a couple loads to wash. But that's it. It's done. 

That all started, because I wanted to take Sweet Pea's crib apart. She used it once, and it was still attached to the bed. It kind of snowballed from there. 

I turn up the music, LOUD, and I rock out, while I clean. 

There's something so settling about going to bed, knowing your house is clean. Our place isn't clean now, by any means. We have a hard time keeping up on the grime, but I'm working on that. And it's SO much better than it was. 

The shitty part of all of this? I don't know how long it's going to last. 

Right now I feel great and energized. But with bipolar disorder, your mood can change any time. The cleaning urge has been around for about a month. I hope it stays for good. I actually enjoy cleaning! It's time that I can try to block out everything, and have time to myself. To listen to loud music and get shit done. It just feels good.

Take some pride in your home. No matter what kind of dwelling you have, it's your home. The place where you sleep. It protects your from harsh weather. And right now, it's the only one you've got. 

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Letters to Sweet Pea

Dear Sweet Pea,

As I was rocking you in bed tonight, I cried. I sobbed as I laid you down, and watching you fall asleep. 

You are growing and changing, so fast. While I was rocking you, you were falling asleep. Like you did when you were tiny. My heart filled with joy, and then you asked to lay in your spot. I was filled with so many emotions. 

Sadness, because there was a time, not too long ago, that you would fall asleep in my arms, while I sang to you. I didn't know that was going to be the last time. No one does. But, if I had know, I would have soaked in every second of it. I would have memorized your eyes, as they slowly closed. I would have remembered your sweet little hands, and the way you play with your blanket, as you fall asleep. I remember you doing those things, but I wish I had that last moment.

I felt some guilt, because you're growing so fast and I feel like I don't engage with you enough. I feel like, even though I'm around you all day every day, It feels like I'm missing so much still. That I'm not present enough. I've been doing better lately, but I want to do more.

Most of all, my heart was full of pride. Yes, you're growing way to fast for my heart. But, you are becoming more independent, and that's what you're supposed to be doing. You wanting to lay in your spot to fall asleep, means you are comfortable falling asleep on your own...almost. We lay down together, and you use my arm as a pillow haha 

You are also learning how to use the potty! We started 2.5 days ago, and you've only had one wet diaper, and it was a night time one. I'm so proud of you. 

You're also wanting to help out more. You like helping make any meal or snack. You've loved doing laundry for a long time, and yesterday, you helped me wash dishes! You don't really care if I pick out your clothes, but you like it when I ask if you want to. 

I know you still need me, and I love that. You need help getting dressed and undressed, and still need help brushing your teeth and hair. I love brushing your hair. You don't enjoy it as much. It's so gorgeous, and getting long!

I love you so incredibly much. You're turning 3 in 3 days. 3 years ago today, you were still in my belly. I told you about that as I rocked you tonight. I sang you the songs I would sing, while you were still in my belly. I told you about how you used to dance when I would sing, and how you used to punch and kick me, you thought that was really funny.

You amaze me multiple times a day. You say the funniest things, and are so caring. When daddy or I are feeling sick, you are right there to comfort us and put a bandage on. 

I love you more than life itself. 

I can't wait to see what amazing things you're going to do as you grow.

Now, I'm going to go snuggle you and fall asleep.

Your emotional mama

A mother's typical morning. No? Just me then?

I just realized, while hiding in the kitchen, eating an hours old breakfast sandwich, that I hadn't eaten since I got up....5 hours ago. 

So here's how our day has gone, so far. 

7AM: Wake up, rip off the dry (yaaaay!!!) diaper, and rush to the potty. And we wait. And wait. Then we move the potty to the front room, and waited some more.

7:45AM: Get toddler seated on potty, and hand her some breakfast...yes. On the potty. No fucks given here. 

8:15AM: Play ball with said toddler, while she insists she needs to sit on the potty. So, potty ball it is. 

8:35AM: I remind her of the sticker she gets, if she pees.

8:36AM: Toddler pees, a lot.

8:40AM: Clean potty, clean toddler, clean hands, clean pick stickers. Toddler throws a fit, because she doesn't get ALLL the stickers. A full sheet, is clearly not enough. 

9AM: Have 5 seconds to myself, so I throw my sandwich in the microwave, and press start.

9:05AM: Start laundry, for toddler's birthday on Saturday.

9:15AM: Get banana for toddler, that she refuses to eat.

9:30: Call mom, to firm up plans and to brag about how awesome toddler is, for having a dry diaper...and cute tushie :P 

10AM: Try to get toddler to use the potty again.

10:02AM: Toddler says she needs a treat. A "big" doughnut, to be exact -_- 

10:03AM: Daddy agrees, so I go get the treat. As well as reheat my sandwich.

10:15AM: Wash all the dishes from the night before, because I was too tired to do them.

10:30AM: Notice all the fucking crumbs on the floor you vacuumed yesterday. Toddler starts screaming about her snowman blanket. You have to go get it, right this second!

10:31AM: Reheat sandwich, again. Go get the stupid blanket, while leaving toddler on the potty.

10:32AM: Toddler runs down the hall. You obviously hide in the closet to scare her lmao

10:35AM: Toddler pees again!! *YAY!* 

10:36AM: Clean potty, clean toddler, clean hands, pick sticker.

10:40AM: Pick up stuff off the floor so you can vacuum the crumbs. 

10:45AM: Finish vacuuming, put away vacuum, and put Peppa panties on the toddler. While thoroughly explaining, how panties work (they're NOT diapers!) and what we need to do when we go pee.

10:50: Husband calls you into the bedroom to look at something.

11AM: Reheat the damn sandwich, again.

11:01AM: Switch the laundry over.

11:05AM: Hide in the kitchen, and eat your old sandwich as fast as possible. While standing with your back to the toddler.

11:15AM: Start writing funny blog post

11:20AM: Toddler pees in potty *YAY!!* clean, clean, clean, pick sticker.

11:25AM: Toddler asks for popsicle, because you've been pumping her full of them the last couple of days, to help her pee *sigh* Try to talk toddler into going potty first, THEN she gets a popsicle.

And then she makes you giggle your ass off, because she's so silly.

"You yike puple posicles, mommy."

Mmm, no. Not really.

"But it matches your shirt."

I have to eat foods that match my shirt??

"Um, yes. You sure are hungry, sweet mommy kitty."

And here we are. 

I'm already exhausted. 

We've had one wet diaper in 48 hours, and that was a night time diaper. Her first night of learning.

We just started this Tuesday afternoon, it's now late Thursday morning. She's doing SO well. I couldn't be any prouder. 

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Mom brain is no joke!

Does anyone else feel like the need 5 of everything? On for each room. I'm talking like, medicine, or oils, or thermometers, or potties LOL 

By the time I get to the room, where the thing that I need is...I've already forgotten why I'm in there, and I leave. Later, I think "oh ya! I need to do that." and it starts all over!

I went to finally switch the laundry over, from washing it this morning. I held it up to my face, to smell it. I do that with all the laundry. I think it started, when we started cloth diapers, because I needed to make sure they were really clean.

ANYWAY, they hadn't been washed! I held gross, dirty laundry up to my face...and took a huge whiff. It didn't stink, but didn't smell like Tide -_- 

I remember putting the clothes in there, adding soap, then leaving to wash my hands....and never coming back. 

It's taken me alll day to write this, because I keep getting side tracked. 

With dumping potties, wiping down the counters, dealing with this staph infection on my memory is shot. 

I go to get some tea tree oil, for my face...then think, oh. I should pee while I'm here. *you never know when your sneeze will be TOO big*. By the time I'm done washing my hands...I leave. Completely forgetting the oil. Same thing with Sweet Pea's eczema cream. I forget it. So I put it in the front room, for easy access. Then forget to take it to bed, when I get her ready. 

It's just a bunch of little things I'm forgetting. But gah! I feel so inept. 

Potty training, as a better mommy

It's happening! It's finally happening!!! Yesterday afternoon, Sweet Pea asked to sit on the potty! I ripped that pull-up off so fast, and we ran to the potty.

We sat, and sat. And sat. Then we sat a little more. Nothing was happening. We moved from the little potty, to the big one, and sat some more O.O Then went back to the little one.

We read books about going potty and saying goodbye to diapers. We even watched videos about it.


I moved the potty to the front room, and told Sweet Pea we weren't wearing diapers at home anymore, unless it's for sleeping. That we were going to be naked for a while.

Then...I pumped her full of juice, water, POPSICLES!

She's been dry since, except for her night time diaper. She doesn't really want to get off the potty and play, yet. But we're getting there.

Right now, she's sitting on the potty, in front of the TV....watching Caillou -_- Don't judge me. It's working lol

She *just* mentioned going poop!!! She's really not comfortable going poop out of her diaper, so fingers crossed this goes well. I don't want to traumatize her.

She is going to be 3, in 4 days :'(  She's growing so fast. But I am definitely ready to be done with diapers, of all kinds.

The thing no one really talks about, with potty training a child, is the parent being ready too. Everyone needs to be in the right mindset, and ready to commit to it. It means, jumping out of bed the second the toddler wakes up, to rush them to the potty. It means not leaving the house, for several days, until they get it down better.

It means you'll be cleaning up messes, a lot of messes.

The past few weeks have been amazing. I have felt so energized, and so happy. All three of us are doing well, mentally. (Physically, I hurt like a mofo)

So I guess, the stars and planets had to align just right. 

I've been rocking motherhood the past few weeks. Sweet Pea told me this morning, "You went to the conference, and now you're a better mommy!"

She's talking about the 4th trimester body love meet up, as well as the Birth Without Fear, Find Your Village meet up. We were talking to her about it, for a long time. We wanted her to be comfortable and more at ease with me being gone all day. She did great ;) 

I was having the worst mom guilt in the world, before the conferences. I was crying all day, about being a horrid mother. I was lashing out at Sweet Pea, and Mister. 

But after going to both these conferences, and connecting with like minded people, in real life, changed everything. 

I feel more confident, in my body and my parenting. January Harshe pointed out, that if your kids are fed and have a roof over their head, you are a good parent. 

Sweet Pea never goes to bed hungry, we own our home outright, she's clothed...except for the last couple of days haha She has a warm bed to sleep in, and warm arms to wrap around her. We're good. She's good. She's so loved.

Jen McCellan, from Plus Size Mommy Memoirs and her partner, spoke on body positivity and being in the pictures with your kids. She said something that made almost as much sense as January's point. 

Love the body you're in. This is the one you have, right now. There's no point is spending your life, miserable. Is being thinner, going to actually make you happy? Will all your problems simply, disappear, because you're thin now? I know mine won't.

So I'm going to spend my life, enjoying this body. It grew the most amazing human in the world.